“I want to do that!”
I have said that a million times as I scroll endlessly through a carefully curated feed of content on my phone.
“What a clever idea!”
“I wish I would have thought of that.”
“Maybe one day I will go there.”
Some of the things I see are big and impressive and incredible, others… not so much. Some guy who plays video games. Another who just goes on walks. Another who loves audiobooks.
You know, now that I think about it… when was the last time I just did something for fun?
What happened to boredom? And what happened to living just for the sake of living and not because I’m trying to copy someone else or curate content or start a new business?
As amazing as smartphones are, we have a problem now. They rob us of our time, and suck us into a blackhole of never ending content where our brain is constantly conditioned to compare our experience of life to literally EVERYONE ELSE. And I don’t know about you, but it gets depressing after a while. I used to do things, I used to enjoy life and spend time with people and get out of the house, but now?
Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.
Endlessly. It never leads anywhere. It all seems so inspiring and motivating and informative, and yet… not a single one leads anywhere. The lie of doomscrolling is that “I’m learning” or “I’m getting ideas” or “one day I’ll do that!” but yet, we can never put the phone down long enough to create energy to do the things that we want to do!
Now, while you are not to blame for this (you have a billion dollar weapon in your pocket that was specifically engineered to hijack your brain and attention), you are responsible for breaking the loop. Only you can do it. But… if you’re anything like me, you delete the apps only to find yourself re-downloading them again in a week or a month.
You want to change, but, when you’re surrounded by everyone who is sending you reels and you are trying NOT to be consumed by social media, it begins to feel like you’re swimming against the current. Every time you open your phone, you feel the urge to just check back in. Only for a moment. Just see what is going on, or watch that one thing, or do that one thing, or just send one message.
Then boom. You’re right back in it again. One thing leads to the next, and you have 4 social media apps on your phone and you’re doomscrolling at 3am on the toilet with your cat judging you silently in the corner.
Then the loop repeats again.
Delete apps. Get clean for a bit. Feel better. Feel the itch. Download again.
I’ve been doing this for a while, and even with exceptionally mindful use of my phone, I find my will power is drained slowly over time. As they say, “The house always wins.” And even with nothing fun to do on the phone, I still have an average screen-time of 5 hours a day.
Why? Oh… I downloaded Youtube again, just for that one time I had to wait for my friend to meet me at the restaurant. Then… I “forgot” to delete it… “maybe I’ll delete it tomorrow,” had been the thought.
I have had enough. Time to break the loop.
I got a dumbphone. $20 on Amazon delivered to my door that evening.
Activate the phone. I feel nervous switching my line to it…. somehow it feels unsafe. Can I even navigate my life with a dumbphone? My mind whispers endlessly that something will go wrong, that I need the smartphone. That I “can make it work, just delete the app and try again.”
I set up call forwarding to the new dumbphone, and turn off my iPhone for the night.
I stare at the flip phone. Explore the menu options. Play a dumb game for 2 minutes and get bored. 5 minutes later, I put it down. I don’t even think to check it the rest of the night.
This is UNHEARD of. My iPhone doesn’t leave my side, even if I walk from the couch to the kitchen, it comes with me. It’s glued to me like an extension of my body, and yet this flip phone? Eh… it’s around here somewhere.
The next day I go to work. I arrive 30 minutes early and I’m sitting in the parking lot. Suddenly I have 30 minutes of no smart phone time to kill… and boy do I feel the weight of that time. Time slows down, I stare out the windows and think about life. I find myself wondering what I could fill this time with. Maybe a book? I used to read. Maybe some music? Maybe even a gameboy or something? I’ve been eyeballing a Retroid emulator for months. Maybe it’s the nostalgia that reminds me of when I had a teal Gameboy Color when I was a kid (GOAT).
The idea of 30 minutes un-entertained felt intense at first but I just sink into it and allow the space to breathe.
I get into work, and then proceed to have the most intense flow state/focus that I’ve had in weeks. ADHD makes these things difficult at times. But today I’m locked in. Co-workers notice the flip phone and ask me about it. No big deal. But I barely think about the phone let alone reach for it.
Lunch comes. I take the flip phone and nothing else. I sit in the booth at Chick-fil-a and look around me. Every head in the room is bowed as everyone stares at their own screen. I feel a sense of unease as I am reminded of an old novel about mind controlling society.
When did this happen? Hmm… I sit there, feel the expanse of time again. My break feels longer, an hour feels like an hour again. I go back to work. The second half of my day is insanely productive again. I work like a beast, flow state activated, my mind is sharp and focused. The typical ADHD symptoms of scattered focus and executive dysfunction are not bothering me.
I am locked in, and it feels damn good. I just knocked out an entire database build and organized my entire file system in one day. I’m looking at a to-do list that is a mile long, and I’m seeing all the things that have been falling through the cracks at work. Things that “I’ll get to eventually” but eventually never comes. I wonder for a moment how the hell I have managed to keep all this straight. And for a humbling second, I realize I have not. I am a mess, and my co-workers often have to deal with the fallout. Oof. That one is uncomfortable to hold. I resolve to do better.
The last time I felt this focused was when I was working under tremendous stress and fear and anxiety. For people with ADHD, their body releases adrenaline which can help them focus and get work done, but often times they have to wait until the last minute to do this, when the stress of an approaching deadline triggers the adrenaline.
This is different.
To be honest… I can’t tell you the last time I was this focused and got work done like this (when I wasn’t going down a dopamine fueled rabbit-hole that I had no control over)
I drive home and think about the day. I didn’t get a single call or text all day. My phone is largely used for doomscrolling, navigation, audiobooks, texting. My brain has always been directionally challenged, but living in Houston doesn’t help either. The city is massive.
With some clever re-arranging, the pro’s far outweigh the cons here.
I get home, end of day 1 with the dumbphone, and I love what I see so far. It’s more of me… my mind felt so good today. I want more of this, not the iPhone. Not the phone addiction.
3 days later, the iPhone has taken over again. My reluctance to fully commit kept the door open. Pretty soon that flip phone gets left at home.
I fully commit and go all in. I end up buying a Cat S22 Android based flip phone. From what I can see, the phone doesn’t have to be a dumbphone per se. It just needs to be annoying enough to use that I can’t get sucked into it.
I get home and set up the device. I’m still waiting for the SIM card to get here, but the phone is unbelievably tiny. A 3” screen compared to my 6” iPhone screen. And for some reason, the flipping aspect of it encourages me to keep it closed. There is a slight satisfaction to the opening and closing of the device, a little serotonin kick. (Serotonin = satisfaction and contentment) I have seen enough to approve. I buy a new SIM and mobile plan, and I’ll have my number ported over in a week. This device is…. Difficult. The tiny screen makes it usable but just barely. It will do what I need in a bind, but I certainly won’t enjoy it. All I really need is GPS, texting, calls, maybe Cashapp and Venmo.
I am excited because I think this switch in device is actually exactly what I’ve been looking for. A way to reconnect with myself, my hobbies and it doesn’t make my hobby feel like work. I miss doing the things I liked simply because I liked them. But when the brain gets programmed for endless scrolling, doing other things feels like work, and the creative aspect of your mind shuts off.
So… here is to another day of avoiding ADHD medication in an attempt to find a healthy, natural, homeostasis. I firmly believe that there is a way for me to exist in the world without losing myself. I’m just slowly peeling back the layers.
I’ll post an update once I know more. Until then, see you next time.